"People of God! Trust in Him at all times!
Pour out your heart before Him!
God is our refuge”
(Psalm 62, verse 9*, bold is ours)
Our nation has a saying "Silence is golden," but this applies only in cases where our words might harm. In all other cases, however, a sincere and unforced conversation can accomplish a lot. Why, then, are we inclined to keep silent instead of speaking? The problem lies with the other party; we are not sure how our words will be received, whether we will be understood and supported, whether the person or people won't distance themselves from us for one reason or another. That is why we remain silent and suppress things within ourselves. We tell ourselves, "They won't understand me," "I am my best friend," or "What is the point in saying it?" Alas, we inevitably transfer our attitude from sharing with people to sharing with God. Somehow, we naturally close ourselves off. Even when we pray, we say what is expected of us, we share the "official version" or the "safest short version" with the Lord. Here are some types of prayer that are not truly deep conversations with God. Let's name them to understand why we feel alone even when we pray or stand in God's presence.
- “The Santa Claus Letter”
"Jesus answered them: 'Truly, truly I say to you, you seek Me not because you saw signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled.' (Gospel of John, ch. 6, verse 26*)
When we pray with such an attitude in our hearts, we simply come with a long list before God and recount all our needs, problems, and hopes to Him. There may be other people on the list, but the main idea behind the prayer is: 'I'm performing this ritual in the hope that everything will be okay with me and my loved ones. I'm making an insurance deal with God, after all, I fulfilled my duty to pray.' You might leave such a prayer feeling perhaps more at ease, but certainly having heard nothing from God.
- “Oh, here we go again…”
"The Lord's table is not that important; what is on it is not significant." Moreover, you say, 'What a burden it is!,' and you neglect it" says the Lord Almighty. "You bring and offer as a sacrifice stolen, lame, and sick animals. Can I, the Lord, accept such offerings from your hands?" (Book of the Prophet Malachi, ch. 1, verses 12b-13*)
Our attitude in this prayer is far from communication. The main feeling is annoyance. I am doing something in which I find no meaning. I do not feel that anything is really happening, perhaps I even doubt someone is listening from somewhere. I believe that the Lord is just as bored and disinterested as I am. I might even think that He has long stopped visiting "my secret prayer room." Why do I keep doing it? Maybe out of habit or principle instilled in me since childhood. Or maybe fear of facing deep questions and doubts within me.
- “You probably don't even want to see me, but…”
"But without faith it is impossible to please God. For he who comes to God must believe that He exists and rewards those who seek Him." (Epistle to the Hebrews, ch. 11, verse 6*)
Have you ever had a moment when you stand before God, but you think you don't belong there. You, who messed things up so much yesterday, you, who are the eternal failure, the unworthy one, the one who constantly apologizes and constantly repeats their mistakes… You start listing exactly this before Him. Basically, you lead a monologue with your disappointed self. Yes, we've all had such moments. Why can this attitude of our heart be problematic when we pray? First, because we might decide that our acceptance or rejection from God depends on our human holiness or successes. Second, because sin and weakness should be confessed quickly, and this can only happen when we approach God, not when we distance ourselves from Him. Standing before God in prayer in extreme modesty and self-flagellation is not a sign of humility, but quite the opposite. We feel this way because we see that we've failed when we considered ourselves too strong or holy to fall. He knows, knows all this. Trust in His love and acceptance, which does not depend on you, but on the sacrifice of the only holy and worthy Lord Jesus Christ.
Challenge for the week: Turn prayer from a monologue or ritual into a true, honest, and shared conversation with God. Try to repel the following thoughts every time you stand before God this week: "I don't feel anything," "Nothing will happen again," "God cannot possibly hear me," "I feel sleepy/Hungry/Want to watch a movie," "I have never heard God say anything to me in prayer, now it will be the same." Keep a journal after each prayer: what do you feel, did you think of a verse or Bible story during prayer, did an image of an acquaintance come to mind while praying. Every detail matters. Allow God to speak to you after you tell Him everything.
*Biblical quotes are according to the text of Bible, New Translation from the Original Languages © Bulgarian Bible Society 2013.
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